The Hopefully Funny Diablo II fic of Craftsmanship
by ShadoWraith
Summary: Og, Wimpelina, Chuckles and Insufferabilus continue their quest to rescue Cain! The action! The adventure! The suspence! Come one, come all. Read and Review.
1. Chapter 1: Insert witty chapter title he...

My Disclaimer: I don't own Diablo II, I own a copy of it and play it quite a bit, but that's okay as Blizzard gives people the right to play these things as long as they get money for it, but this disclaimer is for the story. I don't own Diablo, I DO own the character names (except for a few my family came up with, but they give me permission to use them). Hope you enjoy this; it should be worth a laugh. I hope.  
  
The Rogue Encampment was a place of gathering adventurers and hopefuls who wished to make their fortune in the recent troubles. So far, all who came were now dead. Many had offered their assistance to the Rogues to defeat the Prime Evils, but they had failed. The rogues had grown weary of the constant throngs of arrogant foreigners who came and died. About a month passed, and the stream of adventurers slowly dwindled as they realized the task to defeat the Prime Evils was no walk in the park. After another month they had stopped completely, and it looked as though Hell itself was going to rise and kill everyone, until one day.  
  
He walked into the encampment shining with glow of the light; the crest on his chest courageously proclaiming him a follower of the Light. He gazed in silent sadness at the misery that had befallen the rogues. He wiped the rain from his forehead and noticed a fire in the center of camp. He headed for it, colliding with a figure hidden in the shadows.  
  
"Watch where you're going!" demanded a whispery voice. The pale man stepped out of the shadows wielding a wand. "Death will follow when you upset a priest of Rathma!"  
  
"Watch your tongue, infidel! Vengeance strikes where one mocks the holy Light!"  
  
They stared coldly at each other and prepared for battle. The paladin drew his sword and the necromancer raised his wand. They were about to start their fight of honor when a burly shape came hurling at them from behind them.  
  
"Og smash! NOW!!" screamed the thing.  
  
A huge man came running in yelling and bellowing in a ferocious manner. He grabbed both the priest of Rathma's head and the priests of the light's head and smashed them together lightly.  
  
"Oof!" they squeaked as the crumpled to the ground in a heap, dazed and seeing stars.  
  
"Haha!!" the Barbarian complimented himself.  
  
"Og, you brainless monkey-headed buffoon of an ax-wielding loser!" yelled an incoming Amazon. She helped the two fallen warriors to their feet. "You must forgive Og, he's taken a few more Gargantuan beast blows to the head if you know what I mean. I'm Wimpelina."  
  
"Wimpelina?" asked the paladin strangely, rubbing his head where a bump was starting to form.  
  
"Yes. It is the name of the great Amazon warrior who was so fast she could outrun an arrow."  
  
"Wait, I heard this story!" said the necromancer. "Isn't that because she was running away from a fight like a scared chicken?"  
  
The Amazon glared with pure hatred, raised her spear, and dropped her head shamefully. "Yes, yes it's all true!" she cried slumping over and bawling at the top of her lungs.  
  
"Oh, Og feel sorry! Og give BIG hug to make Wimpy feel better." Og scooped Wimpelina into his gigantic bear hug. Her life orb slowly started losing its red liquid.  
  
"That's good, Og," said the paladin. he patted him lightly on his enormous shoulder and Og dropped Wimpelina into a crumpled heap onto the ground. She twitched occasionally.  
  
"Well, why you fight anyway?" asked Og as he stared formidably down on the other two.  
  
"He started it," whined the Necromancer.  
  
"Did not," replied the Paladin, sticking out his tongue. "mitten- head"  
  
Wimpelina rose from the ground massaging her ribs. "Well, if you won't agree on it right now, at least introduce yourselves. So far you know me and Og, but what about you two? Speak strangers."  
  
"Greetings then," said the paladin picking himself up and striking a noble pose. "I am Insufferabilus, son of Holierthanthouis, of the bloodline of the mighty knights of Westmarch. I have come to rid the land of the evil taint of the dark Evils that do haunt this world like a foul plague upon the."  
  
He paused and tried to remember the next line of his speech. He reached into his hard leather armor and pulled out his script and began to finish.  
  
".land that was set apart by the Light for the goodness of Man! I."  
  
"That's enough, thank you," Said Wimpelina. The others began to clap.  
  
"I wasn't finished."  
  
"you are now."  
  
Insufferabilus drew himself up haughtily and with dignity he sat down next to Og and grabbed a piece of chicken out of the bowl next to the fire.  
  
"Insufferabilus? What kind of name is that? Does that make it so you are insufferable?" asked the Necromancer.  
  
"It was the name given to me by the fathers of light in the ancient temple of the Zakarum! I wear my name with pride!"  
  
"Wearing your name too often, like clothes, will only bring holes into it," said the Necromancer sagely.  
  
"What? Does that mean, like, the U and the R and S will go and he'll be Inferabilus? Like he infers stuff?"  
  
"Og confused," said Og scratching his bald head with a finger the size of a sausage.  
  
"No, you idiots! It means that sometimes your name is best left unsaid.  
  
"Well we have to call you something! We can't go around saying 'hey you! Necromancer!' It sounds dumb."  
  
"Um, call me.Mighty Skeleton Master!"  
  
"On second though, hey you, Necromancer sounds better," said Insufferabilus  
  
Wimpelina opened her mouth to add another comment but was silenced by a yell from Kashya, the Rogue leader.  
  
"Akara needs to talk to you four." 


	2. Chapter 2: The heroes heroically practic...

"There is a place of great evil in the wilderness. Kashya's rogues have blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah mitten," said Akara.  
  
Og wasn't listening to Akara. He was busy looking around the camp, especially at the chickens. Boy were they annoying, and it didn't help that he wasn't allowed to attack things in town. Chickens were only good for one thing- food! He so desperately wanted to hunt them. He would hunt them down, one by one, and hack at the annoying chickens with his axe and make soup out of them! Yes, chicken soup. He had a cold, that was it, he needed the chicken's dead for.medicinal reasons.  
  
Likewise, Wimpelina wasn't listening either. Her thoughts strayed to the jungles of her homeland, where she would lay at night and be bitten by the endless mosquitos and have the monkeys throw various squashy fruits while she tried to drown out the sounds of dying pig being attacked by a jaguar. For the first time since she had left, she felt. hungry. She gazed longingly at the bowl of chicken by the fire. Akara drawled on and on. She picked up her javelin and looked hungrily at the chicken that was pecking at corn in a remote part of the camp.  
  
Insufferabilus took every word in, though now it seemed she was just chattering on and on like some sort of squirrel. Squirrels were funny, he thought. They hoard nuts for winter but never find them when the cold sets in. He thought of the forgotten squirrel hoard he had found one day as a boy. Cashews, peanuts, walnuts, chestnuts. Chestnuts were especially nice, especially when roasted with a nice sauce and used as garnished over a white meat.like a chicken. His stomach rumbled.  
  
The necromancer whose name he did not decide to share with the rest of the world stood leaning against the tent listening from afar in the shadows. It was his job to be the mysterious, separated one of the group. However, even though he was so pale and liked shadows didn't mean he enjoyed the cold like most people believe of Necromancers. In fact, he hated the cold. He would have loved to sit up right next to fire and burn things and drink mulled wine and eat warm roasted chicken. He suddenly spotted a chicken wandering around the tent. He licked his lips hungrily.  
  
"Well, do you understand our plight, warriors?" asked Akara.  
  
"I have a question," asked Wimpelina raising her hand.  
  
"Shoot," said Akara.  
  
Wimpelina looked around bewilderedly.  
  
"Um, I don't have a bow. Can I just ask my question?" asked Wimpelina ditz-ly.  
  
All four of them buried their faces in their hands in frustration.  
  
"go ahead," said Akara  
  
"Um, can we eat that chicken?"  
  
"You want to eat that chicken?"  
  
All four of them nodded their heads hungrily.  
  
"Um. no."  
  
"But I'm so hungry!" said Insufferabilus raising his sword toward the chicken.  
  
"Sustinence would help us perform your task!" added the Necromancer helpfully.  
  
"Give Og eat! NOW!!" yelled Og waving his axe.  
  
"Look, go do my task. and.I'll make you some.chicken.waffles."  
  
"Chicken waffles?" scoffed the Necromancer.  
  
"Like, waffles with chicken in it?" asked Wimpelina.  
  
"Mmm. waffles." drooled Insufferabilus.  
  
Kashya interrupted their drooling.  
  
"Get out! Go! Go kill everything in the den of evil and I will personally kill ten of my own chickens and make chicken for everyone in camp!"  
  
They all left.  
  
"You offered to kill ten of your own chickens?" asked Akara.  
  
"Why not? They'll die like the rest of the adventurers who don't know how to use a PC. I mean, fight."  
  
  
  
The four of them made a quartet, only without instruments. They walked steadily onward into the Blood Moor, looking for signs of the mysterious Den of Evil. Each had their weapons ready. Nothing of interest was around them at the moment, so they eventually slacked off their guard.  
  
"Okay, I spy with my little eye something that is.green!" said Insufferabilus.  
  
"Is it another tree?" asked Wimpelina.  
  
"Yup. You're pretty good at this, Wimpy."  
  
"Well it's not like there's anything out here besides trees and dirt. I spy with my little eye something that is. red."  
  
"Is it that apple?" asked Insufferabilus.  
  
"Nope."  
  
"Is it that leaf?" asked Wimpelina.  
  
"Is it that bloody gash on the back of Og's arm?"  
  
"Oh look at that," said the Necromancer. There was a spike sticking out of Og's arm, but the barbarian seemed oblivious too it.  
  
"Ceciliaa, you're breakin me heart." sang Og off tune.  
  
"Stay on guard, people. There must be Quill rats around here."  
  
"Gee, thanks Captain Obvious," said the Necromancer  
  
"Die you cursed corpses of the dead!" yelled Insufferabilus hacking off the limbs of a zombie.  
  
"Og Bash! Now!" Og bashed a Zombie with his mighty fist.  
  
The Necromancer pulled out his wand a muttered a few creepy sounding words. The bones of the dead quill rat quivered and ripped out from the dead flesh. They flew into the air composing a skeleton that looked vaguely human. In its hand was a flail with the quill rat's skull.  
  
"Look at that," said Wimpelina pulling a javelin out the eye socket of a "dying" zombie.  
  
"Hey, it's the best I could do. It's not like Quill rat skeletons look exactly like a human skeleton," said the Necromancer.  
  
"What does it do?" asked Insufferabilus, wiping blood of his sword.  
  
"Go! Attack that zombie in the name of your master!" yelled the Necromancer.  
  
"What is his masters name?" asked Wimpelina slyly.  
  
"Chuckles," said Chuckles, formerly known as Hey, You, Necromancer.  
  
The three stared at each other. Then they burst out laughing.  
  
"What?" asked Chuckles.  
  
The three couldn't answer. Wimpelina clutched her ribs, Insufferabilus had tears running down his face and Og was pounding the ground with all his might.  
  
Looking grim, Chuckles raised another two skeletons from the ground and pointed at the others.  
  
"Attack, my minions! All will hear the name of Chuckles and tremble!"  
  
The three kept laughing. The skeletons raised their flails to attack, but Og merely slapped them out of the way in his frenzy of hilarity. They crumpled into a pile of dust.  
  
"Grrrr!" Chuckles growled. "Enough of this foolishness, Og, Wimpy and Insufferable! Let's go and kill the monsters in the Den of Evil. Time's a wasting, you fools!" He pointed to an evil looking pit in the ground where screams and red light were coming from.  
  
They rose and tried to stifle their chuckling caused by Chuckles. They were mostly subdued, but as Chuckles stomped angrily toward the pit he heard the occasional giggle behind him.  
  
"Sheesh. I don't see what's so funny," he mumbled. "Do you?" he asked a passing skeleton.  
  
The skeleton shook his bony head, but as Chuckles turned his head the skeleton began to snicker. 


	3. Chapter 3: Og SMASH!

Well, I thank you all for reviewing and reading my little story here. I actually have a lot of fun writing this, so I will continue to post until it starts to get boring, which shouldn't happen for awhile. Um, yeah, I'm not very good at these new chapter introduction thingys, so here you go. Enjoy!  
  
  
  
They walked forward with stealth and silence; quietly and hiding in shadows, they darted toward the evil den of- well, evil.  
  
The silence was broken by a loud bodily noise coming from Og. He grinned and blushed sheepishly.  
  
"OOPS! FORGIVE ME!" bellowed Og as loud as he could.  
  
"Strangling gas potion?" gasped Wimpelina, her eyes watering over.  
  
"Shhhh!" silenced Chuckles, eyes livid with fear, anger, or some sort of other strange emotions only necromancers seem to have.  
  
"Too late- "whined Insufferabilus. The hordes of red-faced demons came rushing at them with their cruel implements of torture waving evilly.  
  
"They've got knives!" screeched Wimpelina. She was about to follow the example of her namesake had it not been for the beefy arm of Og blocking her way.  
  
"They've got clubs!" sighed Chuckles, chuckling nervously.  
  
"They got chainsaws!" moaned Og fearfully.  
  
Sure enough, the red-skinned Fallens were shaking their knives, clubs and chainsaws menacingly toward the companions. The whish of swords, the clunk of clubs on rocks and overall blaring whirrs of high-octane gasoline powered chainsaws created the terrible sound of battle.  
  
His barbarian blood rising in his veins, Og ran forward with the fearlessness (call it courage, or insanity) of his forefathers. "Og SMASH! NOW!" he roared as he flew into the fray like a big warrior-dude. His one- handed club knocked Fallen everywhere, their bodies squishing against the walls as they slid lifeless to the ground. His companions looked in awful (awe-full, as in full of awe, or the other kind, whichever you want) silence as they witnessed their burly friend's frenzy of fighting.  
  
"Og BASH! Og SMASH! Og TRASH! Og CRASH! Og THRASH!"  
  
Suddenly, their came a flash of light and another group of Fallen and Zombies came to wreak their revenge on Og for slaying their fallen Fallen companions. The companions ran to help Og, yelling their battle cries.  
  
"By the light of- oh shoot, I forgot my battle cry," said Insufferabilus as he tried to hack Fallen and read his script at the same time.  
  
"Ooh, I just HATE you evil sunburnt monkey things!" squealed Wimpelina, in a very un-Amazonish way.  
  
"Taste death, foul creatures of hell!" creepily called Chuckles as he shot teeth and directed his skeletons into battle.  
  
"Og SLASH! Og MASH! Og GASH! Og, uhh- GNASH?" Og yelled, running out of adjectives.  
  
In remarkably quick time, the fallen were dead and lying in heaps upon the floor. The companions looked at the bodies, looked at each other, and then ran and began looting corpses.  
  
"I call the sword!" yelled Chuckles.  
  
"I rock your call!" yelled Insufferabilus.  
  
"Dangit!"  
  
"I call the bow, no rock!" called Wimpelina.  
  
"Og STASH!" yelled Og pocketing as many items and gold, regardless of type.  
  
"Allright, a sword!" Insufferabilus won the rock and got the sword. Chuckles contented himself with a small shield.  
  
"Og SASH!" yelled Og gleefully as he found a sash and put it on admiring himself.  
  
"This bow sucks," complained Wimpelina.  
  
They looked around to find nothing on the ground worth grabbing and light coming from the ceiling.  
  
"My work here is done," muttered Insufferabilus nobly.  
  
"Perhaps now the rogues will trust us," sighed Wimpelina.  
  
They stood for a while pondering their current situation when the spell was broken.  
  
"CHICKEN!" yelled Og.  
  
Immediately Insufferabilus opened a town portal and they went back to the Rogue Encampment. 


	4. Chapter 4: Save Cain

Okay, so I didn't update in a while. Lousy stupid social life, keeps getting in the way of my writing! In any case, here's chapter 4. We will make a little time skip from Quest 1 to quest 3, hope you don't mind. Um, here it is-  
  
* * * Chapter 4  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
A few days later our heroes found themselves complaining angrily as they stomped around the Dark Wood looking for the Tree of Inifus.  
  
"Lousy- stupid- tree-" muttered Insufferabilus as he sulkingly hacked at a corrupted rouge trying to skewer him with a pike.  
  
"I swear we've gone around that rock 500 times." sighed Wimpelina.  
  
"Everything out here looks the same!"  
  
"Og LOST!" sobbed Og slumping to the ground and backhanding a skeleton trying to sneak up on him. The skeleton tumbled to the ground leaving a pile of bones and a small pile of gold coins.  
  
"Well, how do we even know where we are, anyway?" grumbled Chuckles, raising another unholy corpse from the ground and yawning.  
  
"We must consult the mini-map!" said Insufferabilus grandly. He reached into his pocket and pulled out a small slip of paper.  
  
"We're here, and we haven't been here, here or here. These marks are shrines, and this is the waypoint we used to get here," he explained pointing to areas on the map.  
  
"What about here?" asked Wimpelina, pointing to a strange symbol on the map.  
  
"That's a bug," said Insufferabilus.  
  
"Icky!!" shrieked Wimpelina, scrambling out of the way and clutched onto the nearest person, who happened to be Og.  
  
"Og SMASH!!" said Og protectively as he raised his club and slammed it onto the map with a gigantic thud.  
  
"Gross! Now there's bug guts all over the place!"  
  
"What are you complaining about, Mr. Corpse Explosion?"  
  
"If I want your opinion, I'll rip it from your poor, weak, unintelligent shell of a soul, you brainless peon!"  
  
"You want a piece of me, skinny?"  
  
"Bring it on, you pin-headed zealot!"  
  
"If that's what you want, you bulimic dinosaur!"  
  
"You wanna take it outside?"  
  
"We are outside!"  
  
"You wanna take it inside?"  
  
"STOP!!"  
  
Wimpelina shrieked as loud as any Barbarian war-cry.  
  
"First of all, you can't fight right now because you can't go hostile until you're in town. Second of all, we're this close (she lifted her fingers up to about the width of an arrowhead) to completing this stupid quest, so I suggest we finish it before we hack each other to death, agreed?"  
  
"NO!"  
  
As they started off in the direction of the Blood Moor to duel, a large shape landed in front of them with a resounding thud. All three hundred and ten pounds of Og landed in front of them, sending them sprawling. Og, who had been killing things while the two stood insulting each other, had gained a level and learned leap.  
  
"Og can leap!" grinned Og happily.  
  
"Og can hop like a girl," said Insufferabilus.  
  
Not listening, Og continued to hop around the wood like a human pogo stick, an insane smile stapled upon his face. Something, however, stopped his fun.  
  
"Watch out for that- " started Wimpelina.  
  
"Ouch!" winced Chuckles.  
  
"That's gotta hurt," said Insufferabilus.  
  
Og slid to the ground in a heap. He had hit a tree. A scroll floated down from the imprint of Og's silhouette when he hit the tree. Wimpelina picked it up.  
  
"Aha! This is what we're looking for!"  
  
"Thanks, Og!"  
  
"Og feel sick," moaned Og.  
  
"Well, if that's it, we'll just be-" Chuckles turned around and bumped right into Treehead Woodfist.  
  
"Oh, hi!" grinned Chuckles sheepishly.  
  
The creature made a moan and hit Chuckles on his head, breaking his enchanted skull cap.  
  
"Charge!" yelled Insufferabilus, fulfilling his stereotypical role as party leader.  
  
The battle raged back and forth. Chuckles cursed his enemies and oversaw his minions as they attacked the beasts. Suddenly, a beast hit Chuckles from behind, breaking his Bone shield. Another hit lowered his health orb considerably. As the beast came for another hit, Og leapt in and dealt it a crushing blow to the head. Wimpelina finished it off with a cold arrow, shattering it into a bazillion and a half icy pieces. Insufferabilus was tackling three beasts at once, one of which was the angry Treehead Woodfist. He reached for a health potion, but dropped it. He staggered to reach it in time, but the beasts were upon him. Death was imminent, but Chuckles's skeletons came to the rescue, followed by a volley of fiery arrows and a few well-placed thunks from Og's club.  
  
* * *  
  
As they stood around counting gold, Wimpelina ran back to talk to Akara. She returned with directions on which stones to touch first.  
  
"Okay, so is it this one with the little circley thingy on it the first one?"  
  
"No, that's the third one."  
  
"How about this one?"  
  
"That's a copyright symbol. It says, 'this is property of Blizzard Entertainment.'"  
  
"This is so confusing! Oh my gosh!"  
  
They approached the stones and began to examine the stones.  
  
"So it's this one first, then the one that looks like an upside down 1?"  
  
"Yeah, and then the one that looks like an upside down question mark."  
  
"Huh?"  
  
"What?"  
  
"Og lost, AGAIN!"  
  
"Okay, Mr. Missing link, just sit this one out, okay?"  
  
Finally they managed to get the portal to open. A creepy, red circular, swirling orb stood before them.  
  
"Uh, ladies first!" offered the paladin, graciously.  
  
"No thanks, fearless leader, you lead us!"  
  
"Chuckles?"  
  
"Uh, I don't think so."  
  
They glanced at Og.  
  
* * *  
  
"NO! Og don't wanna go! Og scared! HELP! AAAAAAAH!!"  
  
"Come on, Og! You've been elected by majority vote! You must go!"  
  
"Og resign office! Og hate democracy!"  
  
They strained to push the reluctant Barbarian through the portal to Tristram, but his hands were firmly locked onto two of the stones.  
  
"No! Og don't like demonic portals! Stop! No!"  
  
"Sorry, Og, but this is for your own good," apologized Chuckles. He raised his buckler and hit him hard on his knuckles.  
  
"Nooooo!" Og disappeared down the portal. The echo of his unmanly yell echoed around the stones eerily. The others stood around waiting.  
  
"well, should we go?"  
  
"yeah, all right then."  
  
They entered the portal into Tristram. All was in rubble, and a fowl demonic stench of brimstone and carnage raged through the air. Smoke billowed and hovered over the city like an evil bird waiting to strike the helpless worm it had gotten up early in the morning to catch.  
  
They found Og huddled in a corner, waving his club with one hand and covering his eyes with the other. They went into the square and found Cain sitting in a cage.  
  
"Help!" he cried.  
  
"I'll save you!" said Insufferabilus in a noble voice. He ran in and broke the latch on Cain's cage. "Go to the Rogue Encampment!"  
  
"Okay." The portal opened and he left.  
  
"Hey, wait for us!" yelled Wimpelina shaking her fist. "Jerk!"  
  
"Oh my! A Griswold!"  
  
"A Griswold? Don't you mean just Griswold?"  
  
"Just Griswold!" pointed Chuckles fearfully, pushing the two closest skeletons at the bloated figure. They broke in about three seconds.  
  
They spent the rest of the day killing Griswold. They soon found that his blows were fairly weak, though he had very tough skin and took forever to kill. They took shifts so they wouldn't get too tired. Finally, he fell over and died.  
  
"I call the scepter!"  
  
"I call the shield!"  
  
"I call the boots!"  
  
"What's this thing with yellow words?"  
  
"Looks pretty weird."  
  
"It's some kind of Baridache. Give it to Og."  
  
"Sheesh, Give Og weird thing? Og never get anything good."  
  
Yes, you must be chuckling by the irony of it all. Poor, stupid newbies. In any case, they collected Wirt's leg and gold, and eventually meandered back to the Rogue Encampment.  
  
"Thank you for freeing me! In return, I will identify items for you free of charge!"  
  
"Sweet! What's this?" asked Insufferabilus holding out the scepter.  
  
"That scepter will give you plus 3 to your thorns aura, as well as dealing extra damage than normal scepters."  
  
"What's this?"  
  
"That shield has an increased block rate and chance of blocking, as well as increasing your fire resistance."  
  
"What about these boots?"  
  
"Those are just boots. However, this little symbol says 'property of Blizzard Enter-'"  
  
"Oh, great," muttered Wimpelina sarcastically.  
  
"What this?" asked Og.  
  
"My goodness! A rare baridache! It's name is 'Blood Smasher!' It gives you extra damage, steals life and mana and also adds considerable fire damage! You are lucky to come upon such a find, my large friend!"  
  
"Oh the irony of it all!" sighed Chuckles slapping his forehead in frustration.  
  
"However, there is much bad news! Diablo walks the earth again, and he will soon kill us all if you don't stop him! If not, fire shall from the sky like hail, the oceans will run as blood and we will be forced to watch nothing but "Friends" reruns! You must stop him before he reaches his brothers in the east, or all is lost!"  
  
* * * What slightly exciting adventures await our heroes? What will become of the intrepid four? Will the ever meet the other three characters at all? Why does this story continue in the stupidity? The answers to this and many other questions in the next chapter! 


	5. Chapter 5: Enter the Mitten

"Rakanichu!"  
  
"Raka what huh?"  
  
"EEEEyaaaarrgh!"  
  
"Die you cursed spawn of Hell!"  
  
The sounds of battle raged in the Black Marsh. The party of four was struggling valiantly to stand their ground, but the Fallen demons led by their Lightning-enchanted leader just kept coming. Chuckles had made a barrier of bone to shield his companions, but it was beginning to crumble. They had but a few minutes to rest before the tide of devilish monstrosities of hell would sweep in and kill them all.  
  
As the Fallen sat breaking through the barrier with clubs and chainsaws, the four companions sat waiting for the final blow to land.  
  
"Well, we're in a pretty pickle, aren't we?" said Insufferabilus gloomily.  
  
"I'd say more of a squash," said Wimpelina, who was smashed between the wall because of her Barbarian companions large girth.  
  
"Or a cucumber," said Chuckles. He was drinking a mana potion to recover his spiritual force before the inevitable.  
  
"Well, it was nice knowing you guys. There's just something I'd like to say to you all before we go," said Insufferabilus sadly. "I never did like any of you!"  
  
"Oh, Insufferabilus, we didn't like you either!" cried Wimpelina. She reached over and gave him a hug. She began sobbing.  
  
"Well," started the Necromancer, fighting to hold back tears, "I hated you all since the m-m-moment I met you!" He broke into tears and fell on Wimpelina and Insufferabilus.  
  
"Og hate you all too!" cried Og heartbreakingly and grabbed them all easily with his huge arms in a gigantic group hug.  
  
The bone wall began to snap and crumble.  
  
  
  
Suddenly, a flash of light illuminated the whole area. The bone barrier collapsed, and chaos erupted. The cornered heroes fought like demons, and the demons fought like cornered heroes, and the cornered heroes fought like demons, and the caged monkeys fought like British soccer fans, and all around was chaos and bloodshed and all sorts of random violence.  
  
The heroes were astounded to see that a new figure had immerged on the battlefield and was throwing fireballs and ice bolts at the demons. A white, mystic frost shield glowed behind her like a feminine hygiene commercial. She stood staff in both hands, defiantly against the devilish forces.  
  
"Charge!" yelled the Paladin, again resuming his role. An aura of might appeared beneath their feet.  
  
"Death awaits your cursed souls!" yelled Chuckles.  
  
"Go away, you icky - things!"  
  
"Og SMASH!!!"  
  
With the help of the mysterious stranger, they dispatched the monsters quickly. Their bloody corpses littered the ground, defiling the very earth they laid upon. The companions turned to see a town portal already opened, waiting for them.  
  
* * *  
  
"We thank you for your help stranger. I am this party's stereotypical holier-than-thou Paladin leader. This is Og, our brainless Master Smasher, Chuckles our creepy, lead-from-behind, wussy, white-guy Necromancer, and Wimpelina, our ditzy, blonde Amazon tanker. Again we express our gratitude for your help. Who might we have the honor of addressing?  
  
"I am a sorceress from the East. I have heard of your deeds from afar. I have come to join you in your quest to rid the world from the ancient demon spawn that have defiled this great land of Sanctuary. Together, we will rid the world from this pestilence that plagues us so. I am known by the name Sara, and I wish to join your party."  
  
"Sara? What kind of name is Sara?" interrupted Chuckles.  
  
"Sounds French," commented Wimpelina  
  
"Og hungry," said Og randomly.  
  
"Yes," laughed the Paladin. "Sara definitely does NOT sound like a typical hero name. You must be joking with us!"  
  
"Yeah, I mean, Sara? It sounds so. unrealistic!"  
  
"Oh, and I suppose Og and Wimpy are normal names?"  
  
"Well, no. Og's full name is 'Og the Headless Caveman', but we just refer to him as Og."  
  
"Yeah, and I was named after an Amazon hero." Said Wimpelina.  
  
"My name strikes fear into all who hear it muttered in the deep stillness of the black, cold night!" stated Chuckles in a spooky tone of voice.  
  
"Well, what am I going to do then? I like my name."  
  
"We shall have to bestow upon thee a new name. Luckily for me, I have the Church of Zakarum's name changing ceremony right here!" Insufferabilus pulled out a scroll and began to read:  
  
"Yea, in the time now appointed, we bestow upon thee, (please type old name), the new name of (please type new name). By this new name ye shalt be known as to all who meet thee in thy road of life. Your name, (please confirm new name), will be used from hereafter. OK/Cancel. Are you sure you want to continue? Your old name will be permanently deleted? Yes/No. New name hast been confirmed."  
  
  
  
"Strange," said Sara, "The ceremony seems - familiar."  
  
"Yes, I feel as if I have heard it somewhere as well," commented Chuckles.  
  
"Well, I don't know what you're talking about. It sounds perfectly legible and non-plagiaristic to me," said Insufferabilus.  
  
"Well, who knows what Sara's new name should be?"  
  
"I nominate Wimpelina II!" yelled Wimpelina.  
  
"Wimpelina II?"  
  
"I think it's cute. . ." she muttered off incoherently.  
  
"Okay, maybe someone else?" asked the Paladin again.  
  
"How about, Mighty Skeleton Master!" said Chuckles.  
  
"What is it with you and that name?"  
  
"I think I would like to be called. . . Adrian!"  
  
"What kind of name is Adrian?"  
  
"Og know! Call her Mitten!"  
  
"Mitten?"  
  
"Mitten is good."  
  
"Mitten it is!" started Insufferabilus. "Yea, in the time now appointed, we bestow upon thee, Sara, the new name of Mitten. By this new name ye shalt be known as to all who meet thee in thy road of life. Your name, Mitten, will be used from hereafter.  
  
" uh, OK," said Sara/Mitten  
  
"Are you sure you want to continue? Your old name will be permanently deleted?"  
  
"Uh, sure"  
  
"New name hast been confirmed," said Insufferabilus.  
  
A bright light didst shine from heaven upon the five companions, and Sara's annoying stupid name changed into the realistic name of Mitten.  
  
"So, Mitten, what should we do now that you have a new name?" asked Chuckles.  
  
"I'm hungry," replied Mitten hungrily. She was kind of hungry.  
  
"Og smell chicken," said Og.  
  
The tempting aroma of roasting chicken wafted toward their nostrils from a red and white striped stand with a big sign that said "Kashya's Fried Chicken: Gourmet Food for the Wandering Demon Hunter"  
  
"Yumm . . ." Drooled Og.  
  
"Yumm. . ." drooled Insufferabilus.  
  
"Yumm. . . ." drooled Wimpelina.  
  
"Yumm. . ." drooled Chuckles.  
  
"What's a chicken waffle?" asked Mitten.  
  
"We'll take an order of fried chicken, a double order of roasted chicken, a plate of chicken waffles and a chicken coleslaw," said Wimpelina.  
  
"Would like fries with that?" asked Kashya in a bored tone of voice.  
  
"Yes, please!" yelled Chuckles over Wimpelina's shoulder.  
  
"Your total comes to 1,290 coins," said Kashya in a similar bored voice.  
  
"Wha wahsh thaht?" asked Insufferabilus with his mouth full of chicken waffle.  
  
"Look, are you going to pay me, or am I going to have to get my rouges to shoot you full of arrows until you're a party of five pincushions so we can loot your corpses and get our money that way?"  
  
"Ha? Look lady, we're five of them most heroic, strong and skillful heroes in the world. We've killed more demons than are hairs on your legs. I'd like to see you try," said Insufferabilus with his insufferable holier- than-thou arrogant speech.  
  
"AARgh!" yelled Og. He fell face-first into a pile of chicken. His life orb began to go down.  
  
"What's wrong with Og?"  
  
"There's an arrow in your butt!" yelled Mitten.  
  
"I'm going to ask one more time. . ." started Kashya. Rogues had now surrounded the table, their grim uniform faces staring coldly at the chicken munching heroes.  
  
"Well, uh, we'd love to pay, but, uh, we're kind of, uh, out of money. . ." mumbled the party leader, who began to think that being a leader was not as fun as he thought it was going to be.  
  
"Well, looks like we'll just have to kill you and sell your possessions. . ." began Kashya.  
  
"Noooo!" they all shrieked.  
  
"You have three days to pay us for your chicken, or we will hunt you down and turn you all into pincushions."  
  
"Well," began Mitten. "Where can we ever possibly in this act find an absurdly large amount of gold?"  
  
* * *  
  
The chapter ends here. Goodness, what a cliff-hanger, huh? I'm sure everyone's just dying to know where they could find all that gold, but you'll just have to wait until I write the next chapter! Hee hee hee! Behold, my god-like power as author! 


	6. Chapter 6: My heart is a prison of black...

So it was that the five companions, Og the Headless Caveman; Insufferabilus, son of Holierthanthouis; Chuckles the Necromancer; Wimpelina; and the Sorceress formerly known as Sara, found themselves wandering around through the Black Marsh.  
  
"Why do they call it the Black Marsh? I see no marsh, it just looks like the normal everyday landscape to me," said Mitten.  
  
"Hmm, I don't know," said Insufferabilus, munching on a piece of chicken waffle.  
  
"Meow!" said Wimpelina randomly.  
  
From across the field, came the sound of blaring chainsaws and shrieking demons. Because of the noise and all the clatter, the five heroes ran over to see what was the matter.  
  
It was an Assassin, fighting off a horde of demons with two strange looking weapons.  
  
"Don't just stand there like dissected turtles! Help me!" she yelled over the din of chattering demons.  
  
"Rakanichu!"  
  
"Forward to the fray!" yelled Insufferabilus with a noble sounding voice.  
  
As they approached, they could see the Assassin kicking and punching monsters coming at her. A trap was sitting in the corner, spitting out fire like an Og who had eaten to many chicken waffles.  
  
An aura of Might flashed around everyone as the Paladin led the way into the battle. Og jumped and landed in a group of zombies, swinging Blood Smasher like there was no tomorrow. Wimpelina and Mitten shot a bunch of cold looking stuff into the crowd of maniacal monsters, and Chuckles was using some sort of green cloud to poison the baddies. The horde of angry skeletons, zombies and fallen began running away, screaming bloody murder.  
  
Insufferabilus and the Assassin finished smashing up the remnants of the spawn when they suddenly realized they were standing in front of a large tower.  
  
"OOoh, pretty!" said Wimpelina, pulling an arrow out of an oozing blood socket of a fallen.  
  
"This must be the tower the old moldy tome spoke of," said Insufferabilus.  
  
"Unless you see any other large black towers in the middle of this swamp," muttered Chuckles.  
  
Something touched Chuckles boot. He jumped back only to see it was the Assassin crawling on the ground looking for coins.  
  
"Quick! Help me pick up the coins!"  
  
"Um..."  
  
"well, then move! Those are my coins! If you're not collecting, than you automatically forfeit your right to those coins. They're mine!"  
  
Wimpelina drew herself up angrily. "Now wait just a minute here! Who made you miss Queen of the Angry Coin-Collecting Jerks? Jerk!"  
  
The Assasin put her two katars to Wimpelina's throat. "These two did! Now get your grubby claws off my gold, or I'll –"  
  
"Silence!" roared Insufferabilus. Now what we need here is for the two of you to quit fighting or I'll sic Og on you. He's angry!"  
  
They all glanced at Og, who was busy chasing butterflies. Insufferabilus put his hand forward for the Assassin to shake.  
  
"hey there. I am Insufferabilus, son of Holierthanthouis, Paladin. These are my subordinate companions; Chuckles the Necromancer, Og the Barbarian, Wimpelina the Amazon, and Mitten the Sorceress. Who might you be?"  
  
"I am Lady Blackrose Thorne. I am an assassin, part of an ancient order sworn to hunt down corrupted mages."  
  
"What brings you to this forsaken wasteland of a swamp?" asked Chuckles  
  
"Gold!! Lots and lots of sparkly, golden Gold! Coins, bricks, jems, jewels- it's all good!"  
  
The companions backed away from her terrifying glint of insanity.  
  
"Well isn't that lucky!" Wimpelina started, "We just happen to know where a whole BUNCH of gold is. You see, we found this tome-"  
  
"Shut up! Shut up!" Chuckles tackled the Amazon, but it was too late.  
  
"Gold!? Where is the beautiful gold? The treasured glinting rays of happiness? Tell me!"  
  
"Oh, poo," said Insufferabilus.  
  
Two hours later the companions found themselves traipsing bravely through the dark caverns inside the lonely, black tower. Dripping water, rats, and unburied skeletons were the decorum, along with a healthy does of musky scent. Lady Blackrose was busy narrating her life story.  
  
"so as you can see, I'm a highly depressed individual who is bitter toward the world. Life has given me scars that cannot heal, you see-"  
  
"I wish her life gave her the ability to shut up," muttered Chuckles.  
  
The fearless party leader broke out laughing. "HAHA! That's a good one, Chuckles! Life giving her the ability to shut up! That's hilarious!"  
  
Lady Blackrose glared backwards with annoyance. "Taunt thee Lady Blackrose? You cannot understand my pain! I have scars that cannot heal!"  
  
"If you don't move quick, you'll have some physical scars too! Duck!" Mitten shot an ice bolt, exploding the attacking rogue into a bazillion ice pieces.  
  
"It's the Countess! She's back for my blood! She's jealous of my dark beauty!" Wimpelina screamed as she fired an arrow into the face of a rogue.  
  
"Charge!" yelled the leading Paladin.  
  
"Shout!" yelled Og, his shout giving the party a defence bonus.  
  
Chuckles and Mitten stood back to back, firing bones and icebolts into the surrounding hordes of demons. Og was frantically slicing away with his rare Baridache, and Wimpelina darted around shooting arrows like a frenzied chipmunk with a bow. Insufferabilus was charging around, finishing off the wounded and shouting advice.  
  
"uh, would you mind helping a little?" he yelled over the din of battle.  
  
"Just a second-"muttered Lady Blackrose.  
  
"You're not helping much, you know! It could be easier to collect the gold after the battle!"  
  
"I'm not collecting gold, I'm-"  
  
"YaaaaAAARgh!!"  
  
"Oh, the pain? Why does it hurt?"  
  
"Make it stop! Make it stop!"  
  
The battle was going poorly for the engaged heroes. Suddenly, spouts of fire and charges of lightning shot out from every direction! The rogues and wraiths fell down screaming and clutching their burning limbs. The heroes quickly rushed in and finished off the screaming hordes of wounded hellspawn.  
  
"That was some quick thinking, Mitten!" complimented Wimpelina.  
  
"Quite. Where it not for thy heroic efforts, our quest would've entered prematurely!" agreed Insufferabilus.  
  
"Well, that's all very nice but it wasn't me."  
  
"Yes, my traps are quite the addition to battle, are they not?" smugly replied Lady Blackrose.  
  
"OH, mitten. You're such a kidder!" Chuckles chuckled happily.  
  
"Og HUG!"  
  
Mitten stood around confusedly while the party members patted her on the back and put themselves at her service for generations.  
  
"Um., you guys? It wasn't me!"  
  
Lady Blackrose sighed depressedly and started collecting gold. "Yet another scar that won't heal? Why, cruel fate? Thy black rose's thorns pierce my tortured spirit so! Gold is my only respite! Come, sweet yellow metal, give me temporary rest from my pain!"  
  
The tired yet celebratory heroes came back to the Rogue encampment, happily paid off their debt, and celebrated with chicken waffles. As they went forward to repair their armor and weapons, a certain blacksmith asked a favor.  
  
"When I fled the Monastary, I left behind the Horadric Malus, my enchanted smithing hammer? Would you get it for me?"  
  
"Whaat? How could you forget something like that?" asked Chuckles.  
  
"It's small, about the size of a dagger, except it's a smithing hammer. It's got a wood handle, and a metal end."  
  
"I know what a smithing hammer looks like, okay?" said Wimpelina annoyedly. "My goodness, are we just here to fulfill the whims of all these little people?"  
  
"Sadly yes," answered a brooding Mitten.  
  
"I say, whatever the request of a fair lady shall be the action of a brave knight! Forth, I say! And Thusforth!"  
  
"Sounds good to Og," said the hulking barbarian sharpening Blood Smasher. "Og like smashing and thrashing! We smash now, sooner we smash Diablo!"  
  
"You've been strangely quiet, Lady Blackrose. What's on your mind?"  
  
Lady Blackrose kicked a rock grouchily. "Nobody ever appreciates me! My wounds are deep and never heal! Life is meaningless, and existence is bleak."  
  
"Oh are you still on about that?" Wimpelina snorted into a plate of chicken waffle. "Listen, it was an honest mistake. Fire? Lightning? That's Mitten's forte, and we didn't know you could set traps. We apologized, now get over it!"  
  
"truly, our actions were mistaken but not unpure! Surely, thou wouldst not hold a grudge against thy fellow companions in the light?" Insufferabilus sat down and begtan chewing.  
  
"Dark- meaningless- no friends- forever tortured. . . Never healing. . ." ranted Blackrose.  
  
"Oh forget her," said Chuckles. "Charsi, so long as what little blood still runs through my weak and tired veins, we will search for your Horadric Malus. Until death or boredom!"  
  
"Death and Boredom!" shouted the party, clinking their mugs of cheap ale together in the ancient oath of all traveling adventurers. 


End file.
